The Dash

I have never been to a funeral before today. I was unsure of what to wear or how to act. I was even more unsure of how I would react. 

Since I am the only one of my family to live in Boston, I set out alone this morning in the thunderstorm, clad in all black. I was one of the first to arrive, and for some reason I was nervous. I sat for a few minutes in my car gathering my thoughts and my breath. As I stepped into the rain, I thought, maybe this won't be so bad. Umm false. Funerals are not fun, surprise, surprise. 

As I walked into the funeral home, I did not recognize the people there, even though it was my Uncle who had passed, suddenly. What do I do? Talk to the people here? Look at the pictures? Cry or something?? I pretended I knew what I was doing. Story of my life. 

I decided to go for a lap. I walked past the picture collages and the video spewing out immortal memories, taking life beyond that of my Uncle's. I stepped into the other room, bad decision. Two words - open casket. I immediately blanched and turned on my heel. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. I thought, and Why am I so fucking awkward?! and Did anyone see me do that?? I decided to sit by the pictures and observe instead.

Eventually some familiar faces started showing up. The first thing my Uncle Tom said was "nice blog". Hi Uncle Tom :) and Patrick. Soon after my Mom, step father and brother arrived. I was glad to see my brother since he too, had never experienced one of these things. 

I sat beside my brother and although we were not in a church, a priest spoke. I am not very religious. I suppose I am Roman Catholic, even though I was kicked out of my confirmation classes in high school - whatever. Everyone echoed the priest with prayers and specifically placed amens. I did not know what to do or say, so I just kind of mumbled and looked at my hands. I was secretly glad that my brother sat tight lipped next to me, joining in my confusion. During times like this people need to believe in something powerful, I think it's human nature. I am not necessarily referring to God, I told you I'm not very religious. But we all need something to cling to  - whether that is a greater power, nature, science, music, hope. 

The ceremony was beautifully spoken. Although I am not overly emotional, I cried a lot. I did not just grieve over my Uncle's loss of life, I cried for many reasons. I cried for my Mom who lost her brother, for my cousins who lost their father, for my grandmother who watched her youngest child buried. I selfishly cried for myself, grateful more than words could express that I have my Mom, my brother and step father, Jim, healthy and living and real and there.

The poem my cousin read was very thought provoking. Read the whole thing, you won't regret it. 

There was a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash stands for all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars the house the cash
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

We'd be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your lifes actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

I couldn't help but reflect on my life so far. Had I accomplished everything I thought I would by this point? Am I a good friend? A good daughter? A good sister? I'm not exactly sure, but I think so. I know I have a dirty mouth, and sometimes make poor decisions and say things I don't really mean, I don't always pay my bills on time, but I have nothing but the best intentions. I wanted to graduate college on time (close call there), I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to live in the city and have a professional job. Check, check, check, and check. I wanted to be happy by this time of my life. Check. More importantly I wanted to make everyone around me happy. 

I know I am only 22. Most people scoff at me when I say I feel old, advising that I have the whole rest of my life ahead and the twenties are the prime times. Today reminded me that life is short. Don't dash through the dash; enjoy it, share it, make an impression.  I must admit, I feel pretty good about my dash so far. And even if I didn't, that's the best part about life - there is always room for change or improvement. Whether you are 22 or 62, every second is another second chance.