It's Not You, It's Me.

First of all, I would like to dedicate this entry to my best friend. She has and always will be there for me, I know that for sure. We initially met through our sorority, but I believe our best friendship truly blossomed at her Black and White party our sophomore year of college. I arrived newly single in a white dress. I left in a T-shirt, spandex shorts and with a pair of roommates.

She was first there that next morning when I asked how the hell did I end up in this t-shirt, and why is there blood on me? The t-shirt, she explained, was because halfway through the party when the floor started to cave in and we almost busted into the apartment below us, I had decided, nah, I would not like to wear this dress anymore, I would like to wear something more comfortable. For the record, the t-shirt was hers, the blood was from two boys fighting (somehow I started it), and I did not wake up in the roommates' dorm.

(This is when we lived together. At 3am we came home, hungry, so decided to "eat" shots)

She continued to be there for me all through college and beyond. She was there when my boyfriend from high school and I broke up and proceeded to make me an awesome break-up CD. She was there when I got into a fight with my step dad and ran away to a cemetery in the middle of January because, well, there are not too many options on the Cape. She accompanied me on weeknights to parties in the off chance I would "randomly" run into a guy I was sweating. She drove us to Martin's at 3am when we had a hankering for some candy corn. She was there this summer when I called her and she thought I was laughing hysterically, but I was actually crying, because someone decided it's not you, it's me.

(We also clean up well)

This entry is also dedicated to all of you who have received those five annoying, cowardly, selfish, words. The person saying them doesn't want to hurt your feelings with the truth or something, so instead they take this popular cop out. psh. I've gotten them three times, and each time doesn't make it any less confusing or frustrating.

After a late night chat with my bestie, and not too much sleep, I was feeling particularly moody and blah. As I was walking down Boylston, staring frustratingly at my iPod, skipping over the bubbly, happy songs to something that matched my mood more accordingly, someone stepped right into my path. It was the guy that gives out Metros! He scolded me for walking right past him and gave me our daily hug. That was all it took. My furrowed face loosened up into a giant smile and I wondered why the fuck I was being so moody.

Minutes later I arrived at my desk and listened to my voicemails. The first few were your typical, "um, hi you called me? call me back?", but one stuck out and struck a cord with me.

"We need to talk.", from a candidate I certainly remembered well. Aw, shit. I knew what was coming. I immediately called her back to get it over with.

"Hi, so and so, I received your voicemail, I understand you need to talk, what's going on?"
"I received a rejection letter this weekend."
"Right..."
"I went on several interviews for this position."
"Mhm."
"What happened?"
"Well, I apologize it worked out this way, but unfortunately the hiring manager has decided they no longer have the need for this position."

Silence.

"But I am the most qualified candidate."

I agree.


"I went on multiple interviews and they went fantastically - we laughed, we joked around, I fit in well there."

I agree.


"Why!? Why did they have a job posting if there is no position? Why did I take my time and my effort to go on these interviews - I even cancelled other interviews. I felt comfortable there, it was right. It felt right to work there, I am a perfect fit."

I agree.


"What was the point of going through all of that for nothing??"

I. don't. know.


"I was so excited to work there! I mean, I am very happy in my current position, but I was more interested in a change. I think I was more entertained by the idea of it. The location was perfect, the benefits were fantastic, the growth potential was boundless! I know that I was the best person for the job."

Sorry, it's not you...


"I am just so disappointed that I was lead on for the past few weeks. I really thought this could turn into something great, but now it's just done? Over? For no reason?"

Tell me a-fucking-bout it.


I apologized, and let her know that I reached out because she was the most qualified person for the job. I encouraged her to please please check our website for openings in her area. When the right fit comes along, it will work out.

I realized something today.

The people that have said this to me in the past, "It's not you, It's me"; they're right. They are absolutely,  one hundred percent right. It's not fuckin' me. It is you. They are the ones that will live a life of regret. Perhaps they are just frightened, afraid of what the future might hold. Maybe they are too interested in themselves to entertain the idea of sharing anything with anyone. I don't really know, but I do know one thing for sure. I live my life with no regrets. I mean what I say and I say what I mean, my actions always speak much louder than my words. I am open, honest, and never afraid to admit that, because I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks, as long as I'm being true to myself.

I'll wrap this up with a few favorite words from my guy John (Mayer)

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good


Life is good. Shit hurts sometimes, and is confusing and frustrating and misunderstood. But don't don't don't forget:   Everybody dies, but not everybody lives, and the show goes on motha fuckas. 


So you decide - take risks? or fear them?